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Zombies by ~Radarmantro:iconRadarmantro:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open


What I once mistook for people
I now understand...
                                         They are not people
                                        Not the kind of people
                                              That I knew
Their mien at first I did not see
With blinded eyes...

                                    Their moaning reveales them
                                           - Oh most terrible!
                                                 The opium! -
                                      The decorum of their face
                                         - Gehenna take them!
                                                  The virus! -

But now I know them
  therefore
I will hide...
                                         They hate the Magick
                                What shows themself they shun
                                                What I love
In Magick I dwell
  therefore
I will win...

For their disease
Shall never eat me
©2008-2009 ~Radarmantro
:iconradarmantro:

Author's Comments

WAAAGH STUPID CODING WITHOUT A WAY OF CENTERING THE F***ING TEXT! WAAAAGH!

Anyway... I've finally made a new poem, which I seem to be vaguely pleased with. The form and the flow doesn't seem so concrete as before; I find it a bit more flowing than before. Maybe I'm close to opening up my artistic veins again? Hope so, else I'll lay down and die.

So... what'cha think?

UPDATED VERSION! (Cr3dz t0 B4zz4)

Comments


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:iconbazarov:
~Bazarov Mar 4, 2008, 12:00:00 PM
I would work some more with it if I were you - particularly the lines 1 to 3 and 7 to 9 could need some reworking. The concept, in any case, is a good one.

--
End the tedium of modern existence - death to the Undermen.
:iconradarmantro:
~Radarmantro Mar 4, 2008, 12:04:54 PM
I would indeed like to work a bit more on it aye, but I need something more to go on. How do you mean they need reworking?

--
"I think that Digimon and Pokemon should be introduced into the science curriculum in schools and universities... Is I am nots smart?"
:iconbazarov:
~Bazarov Mar 5, 2008, 1:21:01 AM
7-9 seems more like an undue repetition of 1-3, and the way "them" is inserted halts the lyrical flow of the poem. Also the way the lines 1-3 and 7-9 are built up makes them seem rather clumsily pretentious. Don't worry, these are common beginners' mistakes; no offense meant.

--
End the tedium of modern existence - death to the Undermen.
:iconradarmantro:
~Radarmantro Mar 5, 2008, 3:17:50 AM
Don't worry about it; I myself set the "advanced critique encouraged" tag on the comment section, so you don't have to worry about offending. Besides, I know you are well-versed in poetry, so I allow myself to take for granted that your words are good fish.

--
"I think that Digimon and Pokemon should be introduced into the science curriculum in schools and universities... Is I am nots smart?"
:iconbazarov:
~Bazarov Mar 5, 2008, 4:59:53 AM
That's good to hear. Critique deviating from the "OMG WELLDONE!!!11" standard does seem to bother some people, including a certain member on our forum whose name is best unmentioned at this point. Why is it that most people can handle nothing but blind praise for what they make?

--
End the tedium of modern existence - death to the Undermen.
:iconradarmantro:
~Radarmantro Mar 5, 2008, 5:13:57 AM
This girl says it very well here:
[link]
And I agree, as I've given the impression of. Constructive critique can be better than blind praise in so many ways I seem to fail to list them all. Personally, I like it when people give a good and long explaination for why they like the poem, and eventually what I may want to improve, in their eyes.

As for the poem; I've been looking over the phrases you mentioned, and I can understand your opinion regarding line 7 and 9, but 1 and 3 I still remain a bit uncertain how I can make different, so that the "artistic flow" will come out better. Any specific suggestions? (Do not be confused; I do not ask you to do the work for me, but I lack a good idea on how I can reformulate myself, how a well-formulated phrase would look like in this context)

--
"I think that Digimon and Pokemon should be introduced into the science curriculum in schools and universities... Is I am nots smart?"
:iconbazarov:
~Bazarov Mar 5, 2008, 9:44:19 AM
To be more precise, 1-3 includes 2 and 7-9 includes 8.

1 to 3 could become
"What I once mistook for people
I now understand" ?

I'm not sure as to what you should do with 7 to 9, and I can hardly rewrite the poem for you without somehow messing it up, but I might suggest reducing the number of syllables, thus contracting them like I suggested regarding 1 to 3.

--
End the tedium of modern existence - death to the Undermen.
:iconradarmantro:
~Radarmantro Mar 5, 2008, 11:41:38 AM
Oh, I see. Okay, I shall see what I can do 'bout it. Thanks for the advice! ^^

--
"I think that Digimon and Pokemon should be introduced into the science curriculum in schools and universities... Is I am nots smart?"
:iconkyphoscoliosis:
=kyphoscoliosis Mar 7, 2008, 5:06:50 PM
How interesting! Never read a poem about zombies before ^^

--
Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians.
~~~~~
There are only two tools in life that you need: Duct tape and WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
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March 3, 2008
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